It’s a funny thing, this health and fitness stuff. One day you’ve got absolutely everything together and the next you’re in a heap over a scale that keeps telling you how you should see yourself. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
I should be 9-days away from my very first fitness show. I was supposed to be on track for Rossi and getting ready to prance around on stage in a micro bikini. I wanted to show everyone that I had done it. But I refused to let go of the distorted vision I have of myself and I couldn’t see the progress I was making.
I was pushing myself to limits that I was not capable of. I was running on fat burners and BCAA’s and multi vitamins to help supplement the nutrients that I wasn’t giving my body. I was obsessing about training and cardio and macros and tanning and proving that I could do all of this. Be a mom, hold a full-time job while studying and trying to be a doting wife, while preparing for competition. My skin was cracking open it was so dry, I was weak and tired and I just couldn’t fake it anymore.
My body just stopped working. It gave up on me and over the past 3 months, I have been riding a constant wave of a run down immune system and cortisol hiccups. Instead of letting myself heal and dealing with the set backs like an adult, I belittled myself, tore myself down and broke my own self-esteem. I was angry that my body wasn’t healthy enough to train, that my mind wasn’t strong enough to push through the stress and self-loathing.
I am not stage ready, instead I am 5kgs heavier and clawing my way out of the worst depression that I have been hit with in years. And that isn’t even added for dramatic effect either.
I’m a 30-year-old mom, what the f*ck was I thinking? Trying to stand on a stage with 20-somethings in the prime of their skin elasticity!
What did I learn about failing?
That it happens. But it is up to you to decide if you’re going to stay in that heap, or if you’re going to pick yourself up again. I don’t want to put myself back into a space where I was actually unhealthy in my pursuit of being my skewed version of what healthy looks like.
I’ve learned that you can gain weight from eating hake and broccoli a billion times a day and that no amount of faking it is going to get you through the dark times. They are dark for a reason. You are sad for a reason. You are getting sick for a reason, so listen to your damned body!
It is important to remember that a healthy journey shouldn’t negatively affect your health. If you are reaching your goals at the expense of your mental health or physical well-being, then you need to re-evaluate how you are achieving your goals. My focus is more on the journey rather than the destination, because when I focused wholly on the destination it tarnished my path.
Where to from here?
Back to the drawing board. I’m starting over, which I am becoming really good at doing. I’d still like you to hang around while I fumble through this fitness stuff and I’ll let you know what I’ve learned. And I am still aiming to take the stage, but now it’s more about having fun with it again.
And no more broccoli!
P.s. I welcome conversation, so start one in the comments below.