I didn’t realize that it has taken me so long to blog again, it seems like only yesterday I was bubbling over with the excitement of healthy living. I remember being so passionate about fitness and spreading the word about weight loss that I became blind.
I think that this post is long overdue because the truth has been a long time coming. The truth is that I am not that girl anymore – I’m not the hake fuelled fit-girl that I used to be and that’s absolutely fine. Truth is, that hake fuelled lifestyle fuelled my body dysmorphia.
The thing is that a lot has changed for me over the past year, including my waistline – in fact, it has gotten bigger again. If ever you wanted to know what a depletion diet would do to you, I can safely assure you that it will ruin your life. Look, I know that I’m prone to exaggeration, but I am living proof that depletion diets do not work.
I don’t care who you are (or who you think you are), but eating less than 900 calories a day is not the way to lose weight. I tried that route for months and failed dismally, in all actuality I gained more fat than lost any weight over that time period. And while we are being totally honest with each other, I was relying on more than just a typical fat burner to get me to my goals too.
When I decided that I wanted to compete in a fitness competition, it was because I’d reached my initial weight loss goal, I’d maintained my weight loss and I wanted a challenge. What I didn’t bargain on was the torturous means that I was prepared to follow to reach those goals and spoiler alert, I never did. I never got to wear a sparkling bikini on a stage filled with bronzed goddesses and I never will. I don’t want to anymore because the journey for me became a curse.
The tipping point for me was that regardless of the hours spent in the gym, countless fat burners and pieces of hake – I gained more weight than I’d ever lost. I took full responsibility for the weight gain, even though I worked so very hard. Even though I forced myself to want it so badly again that I’d cut more calories from my day in hopes that it would be the magic I needed. As my clothes got tighter again, my soul was defeated.
I had spent so much energy, so much time working toward a healthy weight loss goal. I was so incredibly proud of the work that I had done because I saw the results – I saw myself making progress. I loved stepping into the gym, I loved making my way toward the free weights section and I loved feeling my body ache after a tough session in the gym. Health was my happy place until I took everything too far.
I blame myself for not recognising the signs sooner, for not being aware of what I was doing to myself and what I was allowing. I started 2016 weighing 63kgs and I’m seeing the end of 2017 out tipping the scales at 85kgs.
Why am I telling you this? Because you deserve to know that I’ve been a fraud for keeping up this facade when I should have just been honest from the start. I’ve since quit my bikini parade aspirations and have started functional training and I love it. I haven’t felt this inspired by fitness in a long time, I haven’t felt this happy in ages and I haven’t gone hungry in months. I want to lose weight again because I was happier when I was healthier – but I’m also not going to obsess about the scale anymore.
Until next time.