Man, to say that this year has been a weight based yo-yo is an understatement. In case you’ve missed it, I’ve gained weight and lost self-confidence – obviously, I had to change this.
I’ve learned that weight gain (and coming to terms with it) is a lot like dealing with the different stages of grief. First I was in denial about the weight gain, even when the zip on my size 10 skirt popped open (at the biggest event of 2017 that I was covering for work). Then came the anger, I was angry that I’d fallen back into the 80+ weight category that I’d pushed so hard to get away from the first time. Then I turned to bargaining with my clothes to fit me again, pleading with my adorable size 8 dresses to zip up and begging for an inch of give on my skinny jeans over my knees – none of that happened.
You can imagine which phase came next. Yes, it is possible for weight gain to contribute to depression and in my case, depression leads to binge eating. Obvs not the desired coping mechanism for weight gain, but I didn’t say I was perfect.
I’ve now come to the acceptance phase of my weight gain grief, which is possibly harder to deal with than any of the others. That’s because I haven’t quite accepted any of this yet. I’m not quite ready to let go of the resentment that I’m feeling over the weight gain or that I’m still splitting the blame between two people – me and the other guy. With acceptance comes a need to get my act together, which means I’m on the prowl for a nutrition orientated coach. Lols, guys… lols.
So far, this search has been layered with as much disappointment as my weight gain. I don’t want to have to starve myself (again) or take PEDs (again) to reach my goals.
So, here I sit on a Wednesday night (it is still Wednesday, isn’t it?), thinking of the next step in this journey. I’m currently sipping on ginger tea, Tonzolyt and trying not to speak (too much), I think that all the stress that I’ve gone through over this process is the cause of my Laryngitis. I’ve never had this before, it’s overrated – I like talking. The one certainty that I have is that I need to fall in love with myself again, I need to be kind to myself again and that’s something only I can do.
Until next time.