This has got to be my year of balance. Not because it’s super on trend to be enlightened right now, but because I cannot have a repeat of 2017. I’d legit effing die.
We’re only 5-days into the new year and I am already conflicted. See, I really want to move into a bigger home (with a pool) – that’s one of my goals for 2018. The problem with this is that I’m extremely impatient and I want everything now. This overwhelming need to have these things stems from my crazy, mad idea that I’ll finally find a balance between work and family life if I have a garden and a pool.
Yes, I honestly believe that and yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds.
Because of this “I’ll only be happy when…” mindset, I find myself pacing the empty spaces of my mind just looking for something to be anxious about. This is obvs not healthy. I’ve been conflicted about making a move back to my hometown lately. I assume that this move will be the answer to my balance prayers. The thing that my logical brain keeps reminding me of is that if I can’t find that balance here, what’s to say I’ll find it in Springs?
I’m fighting a constant battle between what logical Cashé knows is best for her family vs. what the dreamer in me has cooked up. Spoiler alert, dreamer Cashé has a great imagination and she’s already named her Labradoodle. Can you see why balance is so important right now?
I’m on a personal journey to live more holistically this year, and part of that includes daily meditation. Like all people beginning some kind of journey like this, I may have gone a touch overboard. My house practically smells like an Esoteric store and there is a 99% chance that a Marianne Williamson book is playing through Audible. It’s my path, give me a minute while I find my feet. So again we can see where balance is needed, right? I want to reach levels of enlightenment and help other women understand that they can live at peace – but I really need to get there myself first.
That being said, this could all very well be my existential life crisis in full swing – who can be sure? Crisis or journey, one thing is certain and that is I need to get this balance thing down. I need to learn what I already know – family time is irreplaceable. I’ve been so wrapped up in providing the life I thought Riley needed that I completely neglected the life he actually wants.
If you ever want to feel completely devastated by your child, ask them what kind of life they really want. I didn’t even have to ask him, I know that Riley wants a life where I’m not aimlessly responding to him with “hmmm?” from behind my computer, or an aimless “nice, my love.”. And it shouldn’t matter where we live for me to give him this life. I remember wanting to be the kind of parent that cheers their kid on from the sidelines at school sports days. The kind of mom who helps with homework and makes little, triangle sarmies after school, but I’m nowhere near that kind of parent at all.
Wow, does this count as enlightened? I know that balance begins with me and that itchy feet or nostalgia has nothing to do with how hands-on I am as a wife or mother. Looks like my next assignment is to learn the difference and work on being balanced.
Until next time.