I spent my weekend in Durban for work, where I really went out of my way to be as horrible to myself as possible. No, that isn’t a typo – I was horrible to myself.
I had kind of brushed this off until I was reminded of how I treated myself this weekend. The irony of this weekend was that I kept giving people advice on how to love themselves and value themselves and cherish who they are, but the second I am overwhelmed I lash out at myself.
Over the weekend I was surrounded by the most exquisite women South Africa has to offer. Literal beauty queens who are dominating their fields and taking no prisoners on their mission to the top. There is a certain aura around women like that, and although I do consider myself an overly ambitious go-getter – I pale in comparison to these women. I’d started feeling a little down because this beauty queen had let herself go a little bit, and haven’t had the same sparkle that I’d like to have. It’s so easy to bring yourself down.
That’s what happened to me this weekend. I know I’m not perfect, and I know that I have to work really hard I’m being kind to myself, just like I’m almost certain you do too. When I was away from the chaos of work and alone with my thoughts, my bully side came out. I was still punishing myself for not being who I wanted to be, for not working hard enough or being the person that I believed I should be. I’d come back to my hotel room after a long day of working and look at the woman in the mirror with disgust – how did I let myself get this way? That’s when I started binge eating and justifying how much food I was shovelling in my face with the number of steps I’d managed to do.
Once the chaos of my own self-punishment calmed down, I sat back had a little sob because not only did I let myself down, but I undid my progress. After all this cruelty toward myself, I had to take a step back for a minute – recognize just what I was doing and how damaging it really was to me.
Each day is a new opportunity to be the best version of you. It doesn’t matter when you start being this person, or how many times you have to get up to be this person – what is important is that you never give up trying. Your lesson for today is simple, don’t stop believing that you’re worth it and don’t stop working towards those goals.