This post has been sitting in the depth of my mind for the longest time. It’s the kind of post that you are ashamed to have to write, but one I really need to get out into the open.
A post that I realized needed to be written when I found myself hovering over a peanut butter jar at 1am with a tablespoon in hand and the aftertaste of guilt lingering in my mouth.
My name is Cashé and I am a binge eater.
I’ve been so conflicted about that statement because just four years ago, I was a vision of health and fitness. I was the go-to for what a balanced life should look like and I pretended that I had my shit together so well. I can’t figure out how my binge eating started, but I know that I’ve struggled with body and food relationships for years.
Like so many others, I’ve teetered on the brink of various eating disorders throughout my lifetime.
Bulimia. Anorexia. Orthorexia.
I now find myself incapable of practicing what I preach to thousands of women on the internet – I obviously DON’T love the skin I am in.
I feel so disconnected from the health and fitness version of myself and am possibly tipping the scales at the heaviest I’ve been in a long while. I know that I am gaining weight and I know that it makes me feel uncomfortable, so why can’t I get a handle on my eating habits? Why can’t I find an ounce of self-control and resist the urge to sneakily eat in excess whenever I leave the house?
Why can’t I keep snacks around without polishing them off and blaming my son for eating them?
Why can’t I stop myself from this harmful behaviour?
I know that when stress or overwhelming situations hit, I turn to food to cope. When I’m happy or have a reason to celebrate, I turn to food as a reward. I’ve turned food into this love/hate coping mechanism that I find myself deeply wedged in and can’t break free of it.
I have such shame and guilt over eating and am convincing myself each time I binge that it will be the last. It never is.
Truth is, I’m addicted to food. It can be the only explanation for unnatural need to feed myself. It’s the reason why when a slight hiccup happens in life, I turn to snacks. It’s the reason why I find excuses for my behaviour, blame others for missing treats and lie about how much I’ve eaten.
I’m not happy with where I am at the moment, I’m unhappy with the weight gain, the realisation that I am probably compensating for a lack mindset. Truth be told, I don’t know where to start – I just need to.
I am hoping that my self-love work will slowly be the key that unlocks the secret to me overcoming my disordered eating habits. In the meantime, your girl will keep working on the best version she can be and will be taking you along for the ride.
If you have any recommendations regarding overcoming disordered eating, please leave your wisdom in the comments below.